20 Houskeeper Rules

Okay, so listen. I'm a housekeeper at… a hotel. And through the times, I have notice some things – some small, some rather large – that seem to bother all of us. Sometimes, it is neglecting to do something; sometimes, it is doing something, period. Thus, I created this list, meant not only for our sanity as housekeepers, but also for yours, so you can avoid having to find unpleasant things under your pillows or coating the bottom of your coffee cups. So we can all avoid grief, I hope you will examine, print, and keep this list close to your heart for all of your future endeavours, particularly those concerning staying at hotels.

Oh, just as a legend, c/o means "Check Out", and St. means "Stay"… Not saint.

20. PUT YOUR SHIT BACK – c/o
I mean, sure. Sometimes you need, for some reason, to put one of the chairs onto the table. Sometimes you need to renovate the room completely. But when you do such things, for the love of God, PUT THEM BACK. We already do a lot of heavy-lifting in a day (bringing towels and sheets up and down the stairs in a makeshift towel hammock…etc), and the last thing we feel like doing is dragging tables and chairs back into their original area. It's time consuming, and we could be making a bed… or something.
                Oh, and also? DON'T STEAL THINGS. Honestly. We don't come into your houses and steal your glasses or hangers. Why do you steal ours? If you can afford to stay in those rooms, you can afford to buy the cheap cups and things we offer you. So, just keep them in the room. Saves us the trip of having to go get new ones.

19. DON'T ASK FOR YOUR BEDS TO BE CHANGED EVERY DAY – St.
Specifically in the hotel I work in (and I heard the idea is starting to branch off), they have "bed signs", in which the guest can put the sign on the bed, and we will change the sheets. BUT HONESTLY. You REALLY don't need them to be changed EVERY DAY. When you're at home, do you change your beds every day? THEN WHY DO YOU NEED THEM CHANGED HERE?! We DO change the sheets when you check out, so the sheets are ALWAYS clean when you get there. So, consider it… It is ruining the environment… And stuff.

18. USE YOUR ICEBAG – c/o & St
It's not really that big of a deal… But that little clear baggy thing? Inside the icebox? IT'S FOR THE ICE. You put the ICE inside of the BAG. Saves us more dishes.

17. DON'T OVERUSE PERFUME/COLOGNE/HAIRSPRAY – c/o & St
We breathe in enough chemicals in a day. But when we walk into a room and suffocate because all we can smell is your perfume from concentrate Eau de CRAP, it makes cleaning your room a little difficult. If we could open the window without freezing to death or melting, depending on the temperature outside, then it would be better. But, if it is a stay, that proves to be a difficulty because we cannot MANUVER around all of your SHIT. So, please. Keep the housekeepers alive. LET US BREATHE.

16. FLUSH YOUR TOILET – c/o & St
Is it rocket science? PRESS THE BUTTON WHEN YOU'RE DONE USING IT. When we have to walk in and open the toilet and see MOUNT OLYMPUS inside of the toilet, it's a little sickening. We have to deal with some gross things in a day. But when we have to deal with your fecal matter on top of that? It's not really a moment we all cherish. FLUSH. Simple. Thanks.
15. THROW OUT YOUR OWN GARBAGE – c/o
This is kind of coating a whole lot of things. Let us begin with the bathroom. It's a hassle to have to REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEACH into the shower and collect all ten thousand of your shampoo bottles and gooey, disgusting, germy, hairy soaps in order to throw them out. It's really not hard that once you check out after having a shower for the last time, you shoot that shit out. It saves us time.
Now, let's move on to the room. When we have to grab the garbage can and walk around the room, collecting all of the garbage everywhere in the room, it, again, consumes time. Plus, half the time, the garbage is, like, ten centimetres away from the garbage can. Seriously. Complicated? Not really.

14. CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF – St
This is kind of like the last one… But with stays. Sometimes, we get stays where we literally DREAD to get those rooms. Know why? Because some people leave their SHIT LAYING AROUND. Just pick up some garbage and some luggage and put it away. Organise things! Seriously! When we walk into a room that's just absolutely disgusting, it just completely throws us off. We end up spending longer in the room than we should, because we have no idea what to do in it. If you can just put some shit away, kind of organize things… just a little bit? The room would look nicer afterwards anyway.
There is an aspect of this, however, that applies to Check-Outs. Well, one aspect in particular: CLEAN UP YOUR URINE AFTER YOU PEE ON THE SEAT, YOU DISGUSTING… PEOPLE. Really. Like, ew. When we lift the seat, and there are drips of urine clinging to the otherwise perfectly clean, white porcelain, that's just gross. Do you really think we like touching that, and cleaning that up? We sometimes find your explosive diarrhea dried onto the white surfaces, and it takes an army and construction company to scrape it off. Seriously, try to aim (man or woman!), and clean it off if you just happen to miss. You can always just wash your hands afterwards.

13. KEEP YOUR AC ON, OR TURN THE HEAT OFF WHEN YOU LEAVE – c/o, St
Alright, now. This mostly applies to the weather, particularly warm weather. First off, it is a MILLION times easier cleaning a room that's a little chilly, because as we move about, we warm up. Therefore, we do a better job, because we are more comfortable. When we walk into a room and SUFFOCATE because it is so gosh darn HOT in the room, and we immediately turn into a large puddle of housekeeper, and seep into the carpet. It makes it SO hard to clean a room when we open the door and receive a lethal wave of heat, that slams us in the face. Please, just leave your AC on when you leave the room, or, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, turn the HEAT OFF.

12. DON'T WASTE YOUR FOOD – c/o
You really have no idea what it is like to have to throw out a whole pizza or a poutine or whatever other delectable food happens to be left over and somewhat untouched from the person that just checked out. Do you know what we eat every day? I mean, sure, it isn't the worst food in the world, but it literally is the SAME SHIT EVERY DAY. But when we see your cheesy, greasy pizza just sitting out on the counter or what have you, it makes our mouths water. And it is SUCH a shame to have to throw it out. If you're not going to eat the whole thing, DON'T ORDER. Or, get a smaller size! We often end up throwing pizzas away with A SINGLE SLICE taken out of it. If you're going to do that, throw it in the fridge or whatever. At least then, we could possibly save it.
Same with your beverages, ESPECIALLY the alcoholic ones. C'mon. We're housekeepers, working irregular hours for minimum wage, cleaning up and dealing with all YOUR shit. Sometimes a cooler or a beer is a nice thing to find in a room. Don't open it, unless you're going to drink it! We have to get rid of whatever beverages you open. SHOOT THEM OUT. That's… Painful… Especially when, like, A SIP of whatever was taken out of it. Same thing with a bag of chips. If you're not going to eat at least half the bag, OPEN THEM NOT. Let us have them. It's a nice treat.

11. DON'T PUT LIQUID OR DISGUSTING THINGS IN THE GARBAGE – c/o, St
This is another one that isn't TOO major, but it does suck when we have to chisel out whatever disgusting substances that caked themselves onto the sides of the garbage. I mean, sure, sometimes disgusting things need to be put into the garbage. But if they're going to glue themselves to the sides of the garbage, put them in a secondary bag, such as those bags we SUPPLY YOU WITH or some other means that would avoid the geology of disgusting whatevers that form on the sides and bottom.

10. REUSE YOUR TOWELS – St
Sometimes, we're on a shortage of towels, and we have to go back into every single one of our rooms and put 48 thousand towels back. But one less towel that we have to put back, (one less bath mat, one less hand towel, one less face, one less regular towel…) it's beneficial for us. And, c'mon. You at home often reuse your own towels. They're usually not even wet, either!

9. MAKE YOUR BEDS – St
Just fix up your sheets. You don't have to make it all up as elaborately as we do – cause, let's be honest, we all know no one can – but at least fix it up. We don't change your sheets, unless you have the bed sign on. So don't keep your sheets in this wad of white and whatever other colour, rendering it practically impossible to tear them apart, and unknot the mass. Just quickly fix up your sheets, so it's not nearly impossible to make the bed look good.

8. STRIP YOUR BEDS – c/o
When you check out, THIS is when you can make a mess of your bed. We don't care. Throw them around! Make a mess! Create that knotted mass of sheets and blankets! That's a good thing, because it saves us the ten seconds it takes to strip the bed. It's especially painful when we walk into a room, especially a 3-sheeter (though you non-housekeepers have no idea what that is) and you have only used a small corner of the bed. We have to demolish that! Why try to maintain its beauty, when you won't be sleeping in it again? Seriously! Make a mess of it!

7. WIPE DOWN YOUR SHOWER – c/o, St
Yeah. I know. As if, right? That only makes things EASIER for us. But, seriously. Make the effort! Just, when you're finished, and you are NOT going to reuse whatever towel, just quickly wipe down all the tens of millions of water droplets clinging to every inch of the shower. Just the bottom… maybe the walls… whatever. As long as it's not AS wet. It would be a massive help. Though we realise that requesting this is quite the stretch…

6. CLEAN UP YOUR HAIR – c/o, St
I'd HATE to see your bathrooms at home. If you never clean up your hair like you do in the hotel rooms, then is it really possible to move through the massive masses and clumps of hair lingering about your bathroom? Seriously! Sometimes we have to clean the floor or countertops or whatever else about three or four times in order to get EVERY FIBER of hair clinging desperately to the surfaces. And sometimes there is SO MUCH, that we need to use more than one rag. We could probably knit an afghan with all the hair we collect! So when you're finished with brushing your matted mass of hair, or whatever else causes you to lose so much hair, just go over it with a face cloth or your hair, and throw it on your floor. We vacuum it up anyway.
               Involved in this aspect, is CLEANING UP YOUR SHAVING. Yeah. I'm talking to you, men. And… some slightly unique women. When you SHAVE, CLEAN IT UP. Grab a face cloth, and run it around the sink, or tub, or counter, whatever you strange people shave over. Just wash it all down the sink, or throw it aside so we can pick it up. Otherwise, it's just SO MUCH FUN having to clean up the bathroom ten thousand times, because every time we move our sponge or cloth, there is a mass of hair in its wake. Again, complicated? Not really!

5. WASH YOUR DISHES – c/o, St
Actually, the preferred rule would actually be "DON'T USE YOUR DISHES", but we all know that that will rarely, if ever, happen. So, the next best thing. I'm sorry, but walking into a room and finding every single dish used throws us off completely. The coffee, the mugs, the classes, ESPECIALLY when there is Lord Knows What caked onto it. Oh, and as a little side note: THE COFFEE FILTERS ARE MEANT TO BE PUT IN THE COFFEE MAKER JUST LIKE THAT – not TORN OPEN (the coffee grinds are WAY TOO MUCH FUN to clean up. </sarcasm>). So just quickly throw together the dishes and rinse them out, ESPECIALLY if you're using them again. We realise that it is a little difficult to get your hands on some dish washing fluid. But at least rinse out the substances that will mostly likely stain, rendering it easier for us to clean them out afterwards.

4. USE YOUR DO NOT DISTURB SIGN – St – ONLY STAY.
NOT C/O. How clear do I have to make that? DO NOT USE YOUR DO NOT IF YOU'RE CHECKING OUT. Anyway… back to the real rule.
Take a quick look about your room. Does it REALLY need to be cleaned? Seriously. Like… Think about it. Is it REALLY THAT bad? Could you save us some trouble? HONESTLY. Please. Think about it. I mean, if you need fresh towels or something, then request no service when we come a-knocking, but ask us just for some towels… or make beds… or whatever. Otherwise, throw your lovely Do Not on, and call down to housekeeping later on, if you want some towels. We usually give you a bag of towels anyway. But, really. Could you TRY to make things a little easier for us? Especially if you choose to ignore all these other lovely rules which I am prescribing to you…

3. ONLY USE ONE BED IF YOU'RE ALONE – c/o
Okay. Really. This mostly applies to people who stay more than one night. Okay, when you use one bed the first night, and we come in, blah blah blah, and make the bed, the next night, USE THE SAME GODDAMN BED. You don't HONESTLY want us to make to make both beds, do you? Like… That only makes us REALLY want to kill you. Having make one bed alone saves us SO MUCH time. So, JUST USE THE ONE. Please? Pretty, PRETTY please? JUST DO IT.

2. USE YOUR SHOWER CURTAIN, AND PROPERLY – c/o, St
So, when we have to clean up your bathroom, and we're washing up your taps and whatever else in your tub, and then HOLY SHIT ALL OF A SUDDEN WE SLIP ON THE RIVER ON THE GROUND AND BREAK OUR FACE. Then, oh no, there's blood and teeth all over your bath tub. Okay, yes, this is a little bit of a hyperbole. But it is pretty heart-wrenching when we're cleaning your tub, and suddenly slip on the massive ocean located between your tub and toilet. We could actually seriously harm ourselves. No joke. Plus, it does take eighteen years to clean up the ocean (again, forgive the exaggeration – the years, not the ocean). And how can this tragedy be avoided? The miracle invention of the shower curtain! Yay!!
Is it really that ridiculously hard? When you get in the shower, make sure the giant white sheet hanging from a rod parallel to the ceiling is INSIDE your shower, and is CLOSED. That means that one end is on one wall, and the other is on the other wall. Okay? Are we good? Are you taking notes? GOOD. Cause, really. This could avoid countless injuries, or near-death experiences, and so much time.

1. TIP – c/o, St
'Nuff said.


                Yes, there are other things. But these are the top 20 things that we seem to complain about the most. If you abide by these rules, then you would probably avoid quite a bit of grief, by saving us tonnes more grief. You are unaware of the things we could do to your rooms that you would never notice… What? A threat? Never! What do you take me for, a housekeeper?

>8D

KTHXBYE

Sincerely Yours in Houskeeping
Wonderful Nonsense